10 meaningful things every LGBTQ+ ally can do*

Ever since I came out, friends and family members, and often complete strangers, ask me questions about my sexuality and my gender identity — almost always they ask because they want to be supportive, they want to be allies. I’m grateful when I can share my experience. It is with fervent hope that through honest, compassionate conversation, someone (or two) out there will decide to fly their Pride Flags in December, not just June.

I believe that changing hearts and minds can only be done through the telling and sharing of stories. It’s why I work in Progressive Politics: because politics is, after all, about learning from our history and shaping our collective future. Queer stories matter, and I’m lucky, even when caught off guard, that people trust me enough to help them talk their way through the process of unlearning something they were taught to hate or fear.

I’m not an expert on shaping the human mind or heart, but I have been called an ally-whisperer. So, psst, here are some allyship tips from my heart to yours!

1. Do your homework, do your heartwork. Work to understand the challenges faced by the LGBTQ+ community. Educate yourself. By alI means, talk to your LGBTQ+ family and friends, but don’t make them do the labor for you. Invest your heart and mind in the process of learning. Your personal growth helps keep us all safe and, someday, will make us all equal.
2. Coming Out is never a one-time event. Celebrate the beauty and strength of Coming Out but understand that it’s a personal choice. Coming out is not easy or possible for everyone. There are still untold numbers across the world who stay closeted in order to survive. Please remember that we have to come out again with every new job, every new city, every new doctor, every new barber, every new landlord, etc. Sometimes just the process of having a repair person come to our homes can be fraught with anxiety and fear.
3. Confront your own prejudices and biases. Acknowledge them, work through them, ask questions if necessary, and then forgive yourself for your past transgressions. Shame isn’t a conduit for growth. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that kindness to self and others is what turns on the learning centers (read: empathy!) of the brain. We all grew up in a country built on isms which means we all have work to do. DO THE WORK.
4. Stop using and allowing heterosexist or transphobic language. It hurts and it’s harmful. Every time someone (you too!) you know says that’s so gay, no homo, tranny, she-male, faggot or other derogatory terms, SAY SOMETHING. You don’t have to call out strangers (we need you to stay safe), but DO call in your friends and family. If someone stumbles over something, help them find a way to see things differently or end bad habits. You can help stop harmful words by using compassionate language.
5. Donate your dollars to organizations that put LGBTQ+ candidates of color at the top of their list every June through May. Big orgs often don their pride gear once a year, but they often do so by overlooking those who most need lifted up. Good LGBTQ+ allies understand that we must lift up not just queer voices but Black and Brown queer voices.
6. Don’t be a jerk! Don’t fully understand everything about the LGBTQ+ community? That’s fine. Just embrace the fact that every individual in the rainbow knows who they are better than you do. Just like you know who you are better than anyone else does. (Well, except maybe our mothers!)
7. Do more than show up for a PRIDE Event. Please, show up — we want you there — but Pride is a celebration of the LGBTQ+ community: of how far we’ve come and of those who paved the safer road many of us are able to walk along. PRIDE is easy. The work of being an ally is long and not always a party. The struggle is still real. While same-sex marriage is the law of the land and LGBTQ+ rights are becoming more mainstream, the fight is far from over — Trump Republicans refuse to pass the Equality Act, and they are actively targeting Transgender kids. Today, there are still 29 states where LGBTQ+ people aren’t fully protected from discrimination.
8. Pay attention to where you spend your money. Don’t support businesses that give to anti-LGBTQ+ causes. It doesn’t matter how much you like their sandwiches or how convenient their services are. Legislation is backed by dollars. Don’t let those dollars be yours!
9. Amplify the voices of LGBTQ+ people. You can amplify our stories to help others, including youth who need to know that you have queer heroes and queer loved ones. It’s unfortunate that so many people need to directly care about someone in order to gain empathy and understanding about a struggle, but that’s the case for the time being.
10. Support LGBTQ+ candidates of color all across the country. Good LGBTQ+ allies understand that we must lift up not just queer voices but Black and Brown queer voices.

Bonus tip: Come out as an ally! Say it loud, say it proud; back it up.

Happy Pride,

Dc

*note: i work at powerpac.org. i wrote a version of this for them.