heaven’s borders closed indefinitely

BREAKING NEWS: heaven has taken in all the life refugees it can handle. it is closing its borders until they are able to suss out the radical christians from the other white bodies who honestly are a bit hard to tell apart. heaven doesn’t want to let one of those crazy gun-toting christians in, an anonymous apostle is quoted as saying. another said, i mean how can you tell which cornfed whacko is gonna take out a whole heavenly family because he thinks he knows the words of god? (while heaven does offer everlasting life, recovery from weapons in a nonviolent place can take eons.) jesus couldn’t be reached for comment as he traveled to his land of earthly birth & is currently being detained in a location unknown. again, if you are just joining us, heaven’s borders are closed indefinitely, but don’t worry: if you are a true citizen of heaven — no biggie! your visa application can be found in luke hall, room 311. if you’d like to expedite the process you can write a 50-page, single-spaced essay answering the question, what would jesus do. that essay will be vetted by the council of marys who will read those after finishing writing their gospel by hand. while it’s been years in the making, a sneak peak was scattered throughout washington, d.c., & around the world on millions of signs on 1.21.17. for those lucky enough to be paying attention. the administration of heaven would also like to take this moment to clarify a misunderstanding that has bothered jesus for some time as so many things do get lost in translation: rumor had it that he cried out that dreaded day, father, why have you abandoned me! to flower-it-up a bit, scribes changed it to, varying versions of father (or god in some instances) why have you forsaken me? let the record show that on calvary that day jesus said, future, don’t you dare steve bannon me!

#nobannowall #quitusingchristianityasasheild #womensmarchonwashington #feminism #muslimban