What The … Almond Joys Have Nuts, Mounds Don’t
Why is the GOP so obsessed with Barbie & private parts?
🚨If you haven’t yet seen Barbie, Spoiler Alert: Opening weekend for the Barbie movie put a giant hole in the Go Woke, Go Broke MAGA mantra making it fizzle out like Smarmy Ken Gaetz’s inflatable Trump-sized blow-up pool floaty.
🙏I’d like to take this moment as the only one ever that I will thank the GOP for their super-sized influence on me. So, thanks Rock-Headed Men of the Republican Party who have helped me nurture & raise up my patriarchy-smashing ironclad hammer. (You should see my biceps). Speaking of iron, the irony is that they have inspired me to become even more queer, even more feminist, even more woke than I already was. (Indoctrination nation, afterall.)
📝My prediction is that come November 2024, there’ll be so many of us driving to the polls in our Barbie Dream Cars that they won’t know what hit them. Here’s why:
🥔Because Kencun Doll Cruz spewed out that a cartoon map in the movie depicts the “nine-dash line” — it doesn’t — thus, sayeth Teddy, proving that Hollywood is just a tool for Chinese propaganda. It isn’t. It’s all extra funny because we all know it’s Ted who is the tool. Poor Kencun has a rough history with understanding children’s toys — it wasn’t that long ago he was trolling Big Bird for getting a COVID vaccine & trying to make Green Eggs & Ham a reason to hate Obama. Whiskey Breath Barbie Blackburn & other inexplicable people with power joined in Kencun’s chorus, despite how off key it was, & doubled down that the line depicting Barbie’s journey was proof of communism coming for us all. Other toys and fantastical creations the GOP has lost their minds over include: The Green M&M for taking off her heels. Potato Head, a new pronoun-free offering by Hasbro (wait until they take the bro out of their name!), & Black Little Mermaid. The list goes on and on because being a Republican is 99% filibluster.
🛐Because, Movieguide, a Christian movie review site used their biggest font to say: “Warning: Don’t take your daughter to Barbie!” You know, because of LGBTQIA & feminism. Shriek! Also, whenever Movieguide speaks, it’s Opposite Day for me Every. Freaking. Time.
🍫Because Ginger Gaetz (even Mattel can’t top that name) the wife of Smarmy Ken said that the “Barbie movie, unfortunately, neglects to address any notion of faith or family” & that there was “Disappointingly low T from Ken.” LOL. I mean, Almond Joys have nuts, Mounds don’t. It’s a little surprising we haven’t heard from Blow Dart Barbie Boebert. Maybe she’s too busy hunting for more elephants to destroy. One thing we know about the party of elephants is that Flip Flop Ken McCarthy will do exactly nothing useful.
🧈So, there you have it. I guess anatomical dolls for the GOP from here on out because their children can’t say gay or talk about pronouns because of grooming, but you’d better make damn sure Ken has a penis. Right along with revenge porn from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Barbie, Margarine Taylor Greene, it’s starting to seem like the GOP has left the building on the husky-sized coattails of Orange Collar Crime Ken, complete with removable comb-over & a plastic bottle of ketchup.
💎Is Barbie a cultural touchstone moment so powerful that it will finally put a sock in the mouths of the gender-obsessed GOP? I mean why are they so spitting mad about a non male-centered movie that they can’t quit talking about it? Why do they care so much about other people’s private parts? We know they like to stuff their socks in other places, because, bro, check out my shoe size, so maybe we can just get them to repurpose their own balled-up feet covers so the rest of us can focus on all the issues that really matter: kindness, compassion, autonomy, democracy, Barbie.
You heard it here first, as goes Barbie, so goes the nation.
Still in Barbie Land,
Dc Lozano, Director of Dream Cars
PS: Sometimes you feel like a nut, yeah yeah, sometimes you don’t.
~Written for powerpac.org
